Throughout my short journey, I have met so many incredible people. Some living lives uncommon to most, inspiring me to study art, to dance, sing, cry and express myself with words. Others have been phenomenally powerful thinkers, challenging me to look inside myself for questions posed by those who may have lived hundreds of years before. Humans can be so cool sometimes.
Lucky for me, I was gifted with a strong sense of will, intuition, intelligence, compassion and vision. These characteristics have not only led me to the beautiful place I am now, but time and time again I have foolishly been led astray by them too.
I have recently begun writing the scripture to a new chapter in my life. Complete with a world full of magical landscapes, dramatic ecosystems, an unfamiliar home, style, school and job, everyday a new page seems to appear.
I moved from Santa Cruz, California to Portland, Oregon in search of myself. That said, if I knew who I was looking for, there would have been no point in leaving where I came from. So let me re-phrase that, I came to Portland, Oregon in search of the unbreakable and successful woman I know I am.
For years I had felt a deep calling in my heart to come here, something so real and undeniable that it screamed at me “I MUST be heard!” “Ok,” I thought to myself, “I hear you.”
Months before coming here I would lay beneath the hot California sun and bask in it’s dry, dusty heat dreaming about Oregon rain. I thought about the gold and amber leaves floating down to and brushing the sidewalks. I made mental lists of every movie I could watch while cuddled up on the couch listening to rain falling around my sacred home. And I imagined meeting my people. When I say people, I mean community: like-minded thinkers, doers, and go-getters. Skinny jean wearing, tattoo loving, movie-going liberals like myself who aim to think critically, support one another and have fun. If I was getting such strong signals from my heart to come here, it couldn’t be wrong, right?
The danger of submitting to the fearful “what if” scenario could be the most treacherous journey throughout one’s path. What if my true journey lies somewhere else? What if I fail? What if I am not meant to be here? What if I am? And the big one, “What if I had done something else?”
Although I would argue that I don’t feel led completely astray by my heart’s cry to move, I was surprised to find that all I’ve wanted to do is go back “home.” Home to where my people are, home to the farm, to the sunshine, to the local markets and restaurants that I’d grown to know and love in the Monterey Bay. Maybe constant cold spells and rain showers weren’t quite what I expected, and perhaps I romanticized the ideas of the people I could meet here, but at least I am not back in California dreaming of something I would never actually do. As I miss my home in the sunshine, I rest with confidence knowing that I tried something new and that there is no reason I should ever dream again, “what if?”
I challenge every woman to reach within herself in search for the strength to squish her “what if’s.” May you always try, and even if the outcome is not what you imaged, you will know that at the very least, you followed your heart and listened to the one person who will never leave your side: you.